BAY
CITY, Dec. 30, 2009 --- Where has the year gone? 2009 seems to have
ended before it got going, and now we have 2010 staring us in the
face.
As
is the custom at this time of year, we reflect on what has happened
in the year just ending and make our predictions about what the new
year will bring. These predictions have always been known for their
uncanny accuracy. Endowed with the gift of sight at this time of the
year, I'll tell you what's in store for 2010. Sort of.
Much
of 2010 will be driven by the War on Terror, which, because of the
challenge offered by the Underwear Bomber, will be pursued with renewed
zeal and vigor.
Jan.
4: Top bureaucrats of the Homeland Insecurity Department and Directorate
of National Intransigence will offer their individual analyses of
the Underwear Bombing imbroglio mostly by blaming the other guy.
Jan.11:
The 16 or 17 intransigence agencies, no one ever knows exactly how
many there are, receive orders to task-organize to address the potential
threat of multiple Al Qaida attacks against the United States. They
go into panic mode figuring out how to appear to contribute to the
anti-terrorism task force without ever sharing hard-won intelligence
with other agencies.
Jan.
18: Secretary of Homeland Insecurity Janice Veneziano assembles a
panel of experts to propound interrogatories on air travel insecurity
to be considered by another panel of experts which will be assembled
to recommend formation of an inter-agency team to recommend alternatives
to be addressed by a special committee of career bureaucrats who have
never flown.
Jan.
19: Congress excoriates nearly everyone involved as a first step to
impress constituents back home. It's an election year, you know.
Feb.
22: A Somali trained in Yemen boards a plane in Amsterdam and is foiled
by teenage girls as he attempts to ignite his C-4 dentures while on
approach to Detroit.
Feb.
23: Airline pilots worldwide threaten to go on strike because no one
warned them that terrorists might be wearing exploding dentures.
Feb.
26: The Intransigence and Homeland Insecurity task forces tell the
president that they do not yet have all the facts about 9-11.
Mar.
12: Janice Veneziano, still clinging to her job, announces an enhanced
program of airport security involving full body screening and body
cavity searches.
Mar.
13: A draft directive is circulated which would require colonoscopy
facilities to be installed at each primary security screening line
at all major airports.
Mar.
14: The United College of Proctologists complains to Congress that
they were not consulted about the installation of colonoscopy facilities
for security screening, arguing that there are not enough proctologists
to supervise the screening process.
Mar.
15: Veneziano counters that early detection of colorectal cancer will
more than offset the inconvenience to the traveling public.
Mar.
19: The Federal Association of Gynecologists writes Veneziano, informing
her that pelivic examinations should not be necessary because full-body
screening should detect concealed objects.
Mar.
25: The Sturgeon General advises that colonoscopies at airports are
unnecessary because it would be impossible for a terrorist to insert
explosives all the way to the cecum. Sigmoidoscopies would suffice
at markedly lower cost.
